I went to Wal-Mart a few weeks ago for some random errands, and with the exception of my purse, I'm pretty sure I looked like I belonged at Wal-Mart. For an idea of who "belongs" at Wal-Mart, check out peopleofwalmart.com. Maybe you'll even find me in there on one of my better days.
Anyway, so I'm driving through the parking lot and I stop at one set of doors to allow a woman and her gaggle of children that she can't control cross the street. One of them picked up a rock from the cement and started to eat it before Mom of the Year stopped, in the middle of the street while the rest of her gaggle kept going, to stick her finger in the kid's mouth, take out the rock, and throw it perilously close to the front of my car. She then waved with an exasperated flair of her wrist, as if I'm in on this parenthood joke with her. Well, I'm not. And even when I am, I won't be popping 5+ kids out of my vagina in a 2 year span.
When she's finally out of the way I start to go only to slam on the brakes again when this old man comes flying out of the store without even looking. He sort of looks like an older Nick Nolte:
Imagine someone similar to this, but replace the Hawaiian shirt with a shirt about bass fishing, and add about 15-20 years.
When he's already halfway in the street, he sees me and stops. I go around him with a hit of the gas pedal that lets him know it's NOT okay to come flying out of stores without looking both ways. In fact, it's pretty rude and I'm fairly certain we all learned that when we were in preschool. So I go down the next aisle and park, and when I'm walking back into the store I see ax murderer/rude walker man coming right at me. This is when things get interesting. He stops me to tell me that "we drive courteous (yes, he didn't use the adverb) and don't speed in parking lots here in Missouri" (I guess referencing that I don't have Missouri plates on my car). I could have been polite, or ignored him, but this asshole was pissing me off. Lecturing ME on how to drive when you don't even know how to walk? No sir. Not happening. So I reply "well you should probably take your own advice because it's not very courteous to come flying out of stores, making me slam on my brakes so I don't flatten you." He didn't really like this, so he starts following me and lecturing me about respecting my elders and blah blah blah, I end up telling him to go the fuck away. I'm quite certain that my reaction to him did nothing to diffuse the situation, but I was pissed. Don't be a fuckup and then yell at ME.
Anyway, so I wander through the store grabbing various items. This was yet another instance where I went to the store for one or two things and left with an entire basket full of random shit. When I leave about 20 minutes later, imagine my surprise when he's SITTING BY MY CAR. At this point I'm thinking this guy really is an ax murderer, and I'm hoping that the security cameras in the parking lot really work, so as to lead them to the culprit of my untimely demise. When he sees me he starts yelling at me more about respect and how I didn't act appropriately, and how I was a terrible example of today's youth. I'm definitely not about to back down now. So I reply "it's pretty much heinously inappropriate to stalk down a 25 year old and yell at her about stupid shit. You're a terrible example of someone who demands respect without earning it." Now I'm pretty sure his eyes are going to bulge out of his head with all the pressure on his brain at being confronted by someone who has a full set of teeth and a fully functioning brain. He continues to babble, and while I was amused at first, now I'm just bored. So I pull out my ultimate trump card. "If you don't get the fuck away from me I'm going to call the police." With that, he backed off, and I got in my car, and as I put it in drive, I floored it for a second so I would squeal the tires, just as a final "fuck you" to my ax murderer friend.
I called my dad then and relayed this whole ridiculous story, and in his infinite Dad awareness told me to make sure he wasn't following me, and he made me sit in my car right inside my neighborhood for like 10 minutes to make sure he didn't know where I lived. He, of course, didn't, most likely because the extent of his ability to function in some coherent manner was taken up by our altercation. Most likely he went back to his mobile home, or deer lease, and spent the rest of the day watching fishing shows or playing with his wall-mountable big mouth bass that sings when you press the red button.
So, that adventure behind me, I leave you with a video of Cherry swimming at the park, and Truman watching. I love them!
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